The final public blog

Well my year of affirmation is up; I did it… sort of. 

When I began in June last year I was naïve enough to think I could write every single day. It took less than a week for me to abandon that idea - partly due to insufficient time, but mostly because, well, as much as I hate to admit it, my life is not that interesting that it could sustain a daily narrative. I know, I know, a good writer can make an engaging story about anything; but I’ve never claimed to be a good writer, so… every few weeks became my new goal.

Looking back on my first blog I can see that I was motivated to consistently self-reflect so I could usher in change. The bigger the better! The completion of this blog coincides with a significant realisation for me and consequently a huge change in direction. Most interesting of all is that I have resisted this change since the absolute beginning of my spiritual life. How strange to be back where I was 25 years ago and yet now immersed in utterly different energy and attitude around it.

What is coming into form is nothing like I hoped and dreamed … and yet the inner shift feels empowered and satisfying, if not a little scary...

...this blog completes in the Initiation Temple for members of YBL.

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Thanks to those who read this blog - especially those who shared, liked commented and so on. 

To those of my tribe...see you in the Temple, to visitors, thanks for checking in over the last twelve months. It's been a blast!

Namaste 

Sally

There's something about Mary

I’ve been absent from here I know. The truth is that I have had nothing to write about. Not much has triggered me, even though I’ve had my share of dramas don’t worry about that. Last weekend my daughter ended up back in a wrist cast having had it removed only 5 weeks ago (the cast not the wrist). My hubby went to hospital for what was supposed to be a day procedure that resulted in a four day stay as he lay in agony trying to give birth to gravel. Then my best friend shared bad news regarding her gorgeous Mother’s health and through it all I was marvelling at how detached I was … as I kept stuffing my face.  Oh what a giveaway! I can now see that my detachment was not real but instead an outcome of being so triggered and so groundless that I just shut-down, pushed down and so blocked out the world. This write is my attempt to put the chocolate down and invite the world back in!

As confronting as these family circumstances have been, they are not the foundation of my deep groundlessness – that special place is always reserved for my spiritual work, given everything that occurs on the surface is a reflection of that. The truth is I have been ready and willing for some months now to give it all away, for many reasons most of which I won’t go into here. It’s not that I have lost my passion for all things spiritual; it is instead that I feel as though I have reached the point where I can ask no more of myself as a facilitator and channel. Furthermore, I personally have reached a point in my own development that is so deep, so unique and so tender that it is reflected in most everyone I meet. Ironically, that tender awareness is where my genuine detachment is begining to emerge, because the surface ego stuff simply can’t touch it. We’ve all got to find that soft place within and no one can do it for us.  

I felt the groundlessness of this phase enter when I was in India as I recognised that I can’t offer anyone ‘the answer’ to their tenderness because each ‘question’ is absolutely unique and distinct. So what am I doing I wondered and should I be even doing it? But I need to be busy for my sanity, so I’ve gone as far as to prepare a resume so I can return to the regular workforce which will mean an end to my Melbourne visits and so the wonderful events we run there. I have never been quite so groundless because I would be walking away from nearly 30 years of dedicated practice. Is this the next initiation for me, to just let it all go?

So in-between contemplating what to eat, I have spent time, albeit reluctantly, in spiritual practice and ritual looking for my doorway. Then today I got this in my inbox.

“Just saying, I love you Sally Mackay. Feeling is healing. And I feel healed because of Virgil, Susie and your amazing work. I’m so grateful that I have found my courage and no longer run from my feeling. Without the amazing work of YBL I would not have learnt to do that. I can now feel love in the moment”.  Mary

We met Mary at our very first YBL intensive, many years ago now. She showed up with her beautiful sister at her side and with her red cardigan on inside out. She spent the weekend crying constantly, releasing decades of tears as we witnessed her opening her heart to the love in YBL and turning away in unworthiness, confusion and pain. But she persevered. She did the intensive again, this time looking glam with her clothes on straight and absolutely nailed it. She has introduced many people to our work by the shining example she presents from embodying empowered change in her own life. She is right now taking two groups through the course process and continues to work on staying open, loving and free.

Now I have to admit that Mary holds a special place in my heart.  It is also true however that all our YBL tribe do, as each open heart we connect with leaves an indelible mark on the whole and as such everyone has in some way expanded, deepened or crystallised the direction of YBL at any given time. In fact I have such special memories of so many people as they have shared their inner world in the soul channelling space that I could probably write a blog about each of you…maybe I will - I’ll call it 365 days of tribal love! 

Yet Mary has helped me enormously. You see she is an ‘unloved’ and I was raised by a mother with the same core belief. My mother’s response was to be abusive and manipulative and Mary showed me the other side to that core belief, an open, tender side that has helped me to soften in return. In fact I remember Susie saying to me as I was writing what was initially a very ugly summary of the “I am unloved” paradigm for the core beliefs chapter – “Sally you’re writing about your mother, you have to soften it; think of Mary”. And so I did and now it is a balanced account rather than the ranting of my inner child.

Thanks Mary for your testimonial today. Maybe I will hang in there for a little longer with this mission to expand our YBL reach, because the heart connection I have to you and so many others in our tribe makes it all worthwhile…doesn’t it?

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Namaste

Sally

The perfect rant - just as it is

I can hardly believe it, but this blog was inspired by something I came across in my Facebook newsfeed.

Usually, I only have time to check out the headlines in Facebook, but this was shared by a friend I respect, (soul sista’ kind of respect) so I figured it would be something I’d resonate with. I broke my absent minded scrolling and clicked read more. Instead of finding resonance, I recoiled from what felt like a slap in the face. This is an excerpt of what I found.

Everyone's a fucking blogger
Every Dick Jane Harry is a writer
Every jack ass with a typewriter app is a poet
Every thirteen-year-old who has an iPhone is a photographer
Every thirty-year-old white woman has quit her Job to become a yoga teacher

...we say namaste (sic) without knowing what it means

Okay, you get it, but it didn’t stop there; it went on to scoff at our relationship with everything from Reiki to gluten free, cacao to feather wearing hippies, always inferring it was shallow and self-serving at best, dishonest and manipulative at worst. It is a piece where words like asshole and esoteric appear in the same sentence and the beautiful wisdom of Rumi is reduced to pop culture. It wasn’t written by a cynical spiritual atheist, but rather it came from the pen of ‘one of us’ and that was perhaps the most confronting aspect of all. It was like witnessing a mother turn on her young.

I understand that I cannot know the motive of this write and I have no desire to make assumptions so I should point out that what I write here is also all about me, not the author. Despite knowing this, I can’t deny it made an impact. I didn’t feel attacked, I wasn’t hurt, enraged or even annoyed but I was moved and well, that makes her a good writer. My comment on the post was “Wow harsh, but then it's all in the eye of the beholder yes?”  I’ve been around spiritual circles for 30 plus years so I understood where she was coming from…and from where I sat, it looked like a whole lot of judgement - the 'dirtiest' word in spirituality! 

You see, I have been the feather wearing hippie, I drink cacao, I blog and I love yoga; if I was any good at poetry I’d probably try that too. There was so much of me in her rant on one level, but none of me on another. Yes there are plenty of people undertaking spiritual practice superficially, but there are also a great many diving in to the sanctity and depth of self in utmost integrity – and we don’t get to say who’s who; to do so, in my opinion, is the most superficial act of all.

We all know the path to self-realisation is inward. Why shouldn’t someone write poetry if it takes them to their soul, where they can cleanse pain or find beauty? Why can’t someone share their thoughts in a blog and open to the exquisite vulnerability of sharing their inner truth? Isn’t it courageous for the white woman to quit her job to teach yoga? Maybe, just maybe, she is confronting her biggest fears in the process. I can tell you, if she went to India to do so, her life has been irrevocably changed, her self-awareness deepened, so I say good on you. 

Our judgement rises to show us where our work is. I have been working on mine for ever and have cleared a great deal, but of course there is always more work to do. There was one person who deeply wronged me some 5 years ago. I had moved on in every area of my life except in my judgement of them. While I knew it had to shift, I also knew that it had to be a genuine inner response and not merely some superficial overlay. When my judgement of this person would rise to my awareness I would laugh at myself, struck by how delicious, sticky and self-serving it was – no wonder I couldn’t let it go! It took my recent trip to India, with all its struggles, challenges, desire and beauty for me to find that place of connection within and my judgement for them lifted like a puff of smoke...pouf, just gone. I have, of course, freed myself, no one else.

Here’s an idea. Why don’t we applaud the pathways that people undertake to get conscious even if they are well worn and ‘unoriginal?’ Why don’t we celebrate their leap of faith, their efforts to get clear, all while we whisper in their ear to seek the light within? When things go wrong and they get caught up in illusion and betrayal instead of truth and support, let’s drop the arrogance of trying to correct them and instead trust that the grace of their soul will manifest whatever experience is required for them to reset and re-group. If that experience is heart-break, why not share the burden and hold the space for them to keep their heart open where their inner voice of wisdom awaits. After all, haven't we all floundered in illusion, haven't we all walked with regret?

Thanks for the piece J Robinson, it has helped me identify who I want to become in my spiritual practice. It turned my awareness inward and that means your write is perfect, just as it is.

Namaste (and I know what the means)

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

It just went 'pouf'

I’ve been in India. It was supposed to be the fulfilment of a desire that seeded some 30 years ago, a marker in my life that meant I was walking my path and had made progress. I was really into it as a spiritual trip, maybe even a reward if I’m honest. Now I cannot even remotely remember what the hell I was thinking, even though I articulated it all easily just three weeks ago. My how changing our gridding shakes up our stuff!

I have spent more than 30 years absolutely committed to my spiritual expansion. I surrendered the notion that it would provide me with the perfect ego life a long time ago. You learn pretty quickly that life is a constant flow between light and shadow and so realise you have to give up trying to make it only ‘love and light’ or be perpetually disenchanted. Instead I cultivated courage and resilience to lean into my shadows, surrender control, release, forgive and allow. I’ve let go of things I hated and of things I loved - both can be equally addictive. I’ve lost security, money, health, possessions and relationships that meant the world to me. I've felt utterly bereft and spent at times, high and expanded at others, but somehow have always found my way back to my open heart where faith is renewed from each experience. However the terrible events of 2015 and the issues I faced around my health had brought me to a realisation that frankly, I was done with the perpetual initiation. India was supposed to be the line in the sand, a rebirth that opened me to embody all the learning from 30 years of constant soul searching and that would herald a new way forward. It did provide this, but not in the way I expected! Instead of a gentle opening of the heart I got an upper-cut to the breadbasket that has left me reeling.

When you sustain an overwhelming desire to reach for spiritual awareness as I do, all other ego driven desires, while still powerful, are measured against it and fall in behind it. While I have, of course, as many desires as the next person, I have tried to avoid acting in a way that contradicted my deeper desire to embody a spiritual presence. For instance, like most I want to love and be loved. Yet, I would not lie, actually or by omission, to hold love or betray another to attract it to me. While I desire a level of financial security, I would not cheat another or steal to achieve it and so on. It is not about morality; in fact I’ve never even looked upon it as ‘right’ action. Instead I was responding from an understanding that what you do to another, you end up doing to yourself – so it was an act of self-preservation I suppose. This is fired by the intent to clear, instead of layer karma; an enigma which is not only the source of our troubles, but also contains their remedy. 

So my ego desire body has been pretty much kept in check for the past 30 years by the blanket ideals around spirituality and the never ending attempt to ‘get clear’. I have been able to release destructive patterning, toxic relationships, career, friends, support and so on not because I am particularly evolved (I knew this) but because I was clinging to something deeper and every choice was about feeding it (I did not know this) – that is, my desire to ‘get there’ spiritually. Imagine that - all this time I thought I was releasing attachment, letting go, being so evolved and India showed me I was simply trading one desire for another. It was a huge realisation that left me breathless, because of course, when I came face to face with the truth of my desire body, India said “Let that go too”. 

So the meaning I was cultivating around 30 years of spiritual initiation just went ‘pouf’. I have never been so groundless, so completely in the void, so utterly connected to my soul’s journey. I don’t know where I am headed and I don’t feel even slightly invested in the outcome. It's a psychological death of the most intense form, but it feels like the last hurdle, the final frontier of this phase in my journey has been exposed. How does one move in life without desire? What replaces it?  I’m looking forward to finding out – or not.

Namaste 

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au         

Well-come to India

Susie and I arrived India with the joy and hope of the westerner that has totally immersed themselves in the romanticism of eastern spiritual text. The concept of ‘guru’ was particularly compelling to us, not as a way out, but as a way in.

We were hoping to pass through on our travels as observers, allowing our experiences to unfold organically. The image of India we have long held in our hearts is one of spiritual purity, however this beauty like all others is definitely in the eye of the beholders. Our intent to know the ‘real’ India has taken us on a journey that has shattered that illusion within the first six days, which is perhaps her greatest gift to us… oh the irony! 

The moment we landed we were co-creating within a reality for which we had no point of reference beyond our respect and reverence for the best of the culture. Trying to locate it however amid the din of the everyday India is deeply confronting and challenging.

Now we’re not referring to the filth and shit on the streets, the beggars or poverty, the traffic, noxious diesel fumes or heat - all of that is tempered by the colour, beauty and spontaneity of the people, it is fascinating and fills the heart. We are referring to the need to protect and defend yourself at every turn, to push back resolute and firm which is a direct polarity of what we thought would unfold. We learned quickly that as two white women we needed to cultivate an armour if we wanted to immerse ourselves here… without it, you best take a tour bus.

So the ‘assault’ many friends warned us about has not been so much to the physical senses. Instead it has emerged once again from confronting polarity while trying to hold our spiritual truth. No easy task in a place of such overpowering extremes and complex social mores.

At the time of writing we are nearly halfway through our holiday in search of spiritual unfoldment. Ironically what we have often been greeted with is an extreme representation of what many perceive is the worst aspects of western culture… the lust for money, racial stereotyping and superiority. It has been exhausting and deeply revealing to meet our illusions in this way. It proves once again that no matter where you are, the journey is always an inside job.

Do we still cling to ideas that India is superior to the western materialism we come from? No. Do we entertain the notion that people here live a deeper spiritual understanding due to the suffering they endure? No. This awareness has bridged the separation we had unconsciously cultivated between our own spirituality and that of the ‘guru’. A comparison that left us always coming up short. Never again will we uphold this illusion. So thank you India for gifting our own culture back to us and supporting the acceptance of ‘what is’ and where we are.

We have visited temples, sat in ancient meditation caves, met sadhus, learned from a Hanuman monkey master and sat before an extraordinary psychic masquerading as a guru. We have also experienced the reverence of what is considered the most beautiful man made structure, the Taj Mahal. Yet, what we thought we were looking for has not come via any of these experiences, as guided and beautiful as they were. Our learning has instead emerged from the more distasteful aspects such as scams that are both endemic and unrelenting and which rise from a system that is often invisible to the western psyche. The racial judgement and assumptions about western women, particularly travelling without a male are frequently confronting.

In the experience of these polarities of great beauty and great pain our hearts have broken open. Ironically, the culture pushes us to retract and close just like our own often does. Frankly, to remain open is bloody hard work! We now sit ripe with emptiness and a lack of intent as to what will unfold for the remainder of our journey.

So it is midday here and we are about to enter the desert city of Jodhpur. Another afternoon and evening of wandering in utterly fantastic chaos. We know now that we are working with personal power. It is so ironic to come from the safety a western culture to a developing nation to claim our power don’t you think? As always spirit shakes our patterns in ways that we can never prepare for, but fortunately the cost is only to ego which then exposes the gift of soul. Tomorrow we drive deeper into desert of our Rajasthan road trip! Now that we have our power in place…bring it on.

Sally and Susie

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au